I’ve purchased maybe 2 or 3 items from Etsy.com — a scarf for my mom, or a shirt with aliens on it for my dad. The website itself is a mecca for kitschy handmade items, and also a perfectly reliable tool for artists to vend their pieces. But lurking just beneath the pages of hair accessories and dog costumes and owl trinkets is the black hole of Etsy — no man’s land.
There are bejeweled “shamanic wands”, bongs, and hundreds of dreamcatchers. There are vials of fairy blood that you can wear on a chain around your neck. There’s an entire store that sells knitted penis covers for Chapstick, and another that has Richard Ramirez necklaces.
So now, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling the highlights of my journey through the online craft world. The following are real items for sale by real internet vendors that will lead you on a gondola ride through the swamps of Etsy hell. Let’s begin.
1. Magical spells
Yes, this. You can purchase a magical spell from this guy with a mustache, and he will either perform the spell for you or send it to you in the convenient format of .doc or .pdf for an on-demand session of witchcraft. This fellow mentions that he is “an Ordained 3rd degree Wiccan High Priest” and his credentials include “membership in the Hermetic order of the Golden Dawn and several other hidden orders.” Sign me up.
But wait, there’s more! This voodoo priest will cast a spell on your penis for $9.87, which is totally reasonable, as the “light ceremony” he promises to perform in the description seems involved. And the reviews are encouraging. An all-caps testimony with the subject title “NOT FAKE” claims that “IT IS WORKING BETTER ALREADY–MY PENIS”
2. A Baby Fedora
I knew this was bound to be happening. If people wear fedoras, and they’ve made their pets wear fedoras, then people must be making fedoras for their babies. I guess these are for gentleman babies who always finish last but know a whole lot about history and medieval weaponry. The kid in the picture seems to know this is a bad situation.
3. A “Lord of the Bongs” Poster
Described as “a custom designed print of Gandalf ripping the bong.” Yeah, okay. Who wouldn’t want this on their wall? I’ve seen plain Lord of the Rings art and thought, “please get that travesty out of my face, I don’t want to see another piece unless the characters pictured are ~bLaZiN iT~”
4. A “SataNic Cage” Tank Top
occult, satan, grunge.
Shit, I would buy this. I can’t make fun of this.
I’m buying this.
5. “boob pillow”
At first glance I wasn’t exactly sure what this was. The seller says it’s “perfect for servicemen or anyone who enjoys breasts.” Yes, of course! My first thought was that every man in the army needs this weird looking knitted boob. Nothing replicates the real feel of a woman like this thing. The seller “can also make it in a range of skin tones.” Let’s hear it for our boys in uniform.
6. A Terrifying Michael Jackson Mask
Are you tired of sleeping soundly at night? Short on nightmares? Look no further! This artist creates creepy masks and posts photos of the final pieces in his house full of trinkets. For some reason it’s mostly devils and mythical horned beasts that he chooses to create, but also Michael Jackson. Awesome.
6. All of This Poorly Executed Celebrity Artwork
Celebrity tribute artwork is by far the most entertaining path to go down in the dark forest that is Etsy.
“Shirtless Justin Bieber Tinkerbell,” the official mascot of jail.
The King of Pop appears again, this time in full acrylic glory.
Prince William doesn’t seem to have arms or separate legs, rather a single mermaid type tail. And I guess his face is made of wax now.
“Marilyn Merlot” PART OF DIVINE VINE DIVA SERIES