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The Worst of Urban Outfitters

 

 

I did some online shopping today because that’s how I put off real work and channel my pent up, retail-based ~lady energy~. One website I sometimes end up browsing is the ridiculous — but alluring — Urban Outfitters.  I realize I’m breaking the unspoken rule of the cool and hip by admitting that I sometimes buy their clothing.  A pair of their purposefully-fucked-up jean shorts can run you about $700, but sometimes you can find a great pair of regular looking jeans for a normal price.  It’s a proverbial easter egg hunt for the thing you like that happens to be on sale and doesn’t have a bunch of holes cut into it. You know what I mean, because there really are only three categories of women:

1) those who have at least one thing from an Urban Outfitters

2) Amish

3) liars

While half of UO items are well designed and sometimes also affordable (“oh hey! a nice floral dress!”), the other half are absolute ludicrous garbage: jean maxi skirts; those beaded headbands that girls wear across their foreheads so you know not to talk to them; vests covered in fur, etc. etc. When I scroll down the page of the most expensive products I think “oh wow seriously” “damn” and, “wow haha ha ha”.  So let’s take a look at a few of the worst articles I came across in only 20 minutes today:

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Originally $89 UNITED STATES DOLLARS, this very alluring dress made of thick…old fisherman?… sweater…. obviously went over very well with the general public. When I’m having a fat day (which is every day) the first thing I want to do is shove a huge cable knit sweater over my lumpy torso to accentuate the fine ass curves.  Who can resist the feel of gnarly, itchy wool against their bare body? 😉

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This. You know, people can wear whatever they want, but this outfit ALWAYS makes EVERYONE look like that monster from Pan’s Labyrinth with the saggy skin who held his eyes in his hands. This sort of atrocity isn’t exclusively a crime committed by the UO style team, so I can’t hold it against them.  But still, huegh.

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Yeah. Nobody that buys this jacket has done acid, I guarantee you that much.

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Which brings me to the next exhibit. I don’t get it. Coconut boobs. Yes, okay. JUST SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!

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I AM WEARING A ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY DOLLAR GARBAGE BAG I AM A SACK OF EXPENSIVE GARBAGE I AM A TRASH SACK HAHA HA LOOK AT ME NOW MOM

 

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If you see someone wearing all of this at once, you win white people bingo. “The chill festival look” that includes the chill $90 ripped up  tank top and giant hat is pretty in right now.  Also, I’m not here to be politically correct so I won’t go into the backward notion of mass-producing Native American style headdresses for people to buy and wear to festivals but yes I will COME ON YOU GUYS, COME ON.   Someone had to pitch the idea for the headdress and the fur vest, and a team somewhere okayed that and sent it to production and hopefully an asteroid will come for us all very, very soon.

 

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Yes, these are totally worth $150!!!! I always wake up and think to myself, “wouldn’t it be cool if I looked more like I came straight off a haunted hay ride?” Also, I hate it when you can tell that I have legs or a body.

 

And last but not least, these things!

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Holy shit, I’m actually scared of these. I thought the gladiator thing was last season but I know as much about fashion seasons as I do about how to file my taxes without screwing up!!

Which reminds me, better go make sure I have my auditing date scheduled with the IRS <3 !

xoxox

Tess


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