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The Atlanta Activity Guide

I’ve been living in Atlanta for about 12 months now – which roughly equates to 11 1/2 months of time spent in my car, and one half of a month drinking and eating. Having spent the better part of a year in this city, I decided to compile a fun activity guide. Whether you’re a new resident looking for a cool way to get to know the town, or a seasoned native trying to find a new, fun hobby, these tips are sure to be a hoot! So without further ado, here’s my list of fun activities to do in the ATL:

1. Sit in Your Car For Hours

 

This is one of my faves. I never knew what I was missing when I lived in a town where I barely needed a car. Now I get to scream and slam my fists against the steering wheel 3, 4 – heck, even 5 times a day. When it takes 45 minutes to drive 4 miles because everything is at a standstill and the joggers around you catch up with you and pass you repeatedly, you know you’re really getting the full treat. On the rare occasion that the traffic moves, I suggest being cut off by a guy driving an Infiniti. Great, classic experience. And if you need a good cry, you can really let it out on I-85. There are plenty of strip malls, title pawn centers, and liquor stores to half-focus on while the tears flow. Just let the tears flow. There’s no escape now. You’re the highway’s bitch. But – watch out for that guy in the Inifiniti again! He’s trying to get to the Cheesecake Factory at Lenox Mall i-fucking-mmediately, can you not see that?!!!

2. Drive to a Restaurant and Try to Find Parking

Second only to successfully eating at a restaurant, this one is a top pick of mine! Pick out a place you’d like to go and with any luck, you should be able to experience the fun of the first activity while en route. Once you make it to the bar or cafe you had in mind, try driving in circles for awhile. You’ll start to feel the hope slowly draining from your body as you pass row after row of parked cars, with not a space in sight. Then you find a place! Haha, look at that! Parking is $18! Awesome! Later you can come back to find your car window smashed out. It’s okay, though; whoever smashed it deserved your old CDs and sunglasses more than you anyway.

3. Have Your Car Stolen

G9Rc3OO

Nothing spices up a boring Tuesday morning like having your car jacked. I know what you’re thinking – how will I sit in traffic endlessly without having a car? Well, don’t worry friends! Your car will certainly be stolen but the cops will help you recover it. It will be found abandoned in a Dollar Tree parking lot, and you will have to go through a lot of red tape before they let you search through the remnants of what’s left. The perks though! The thieves will be kind enough to leave all of their garbage in your car, and smash most parts of it so that insurance gives you money to buy another car to cry in while you sit in traffic.

4. Try to Be a Pedestrian; Nearly Die

I once walked about a mile across the center of Buckhead during rush hour. When I tell someone this, their mouth hangs open in shock, and they whisper “I’ve never talked to a ghost before” and I have to explain to them that, “no no, I made it out alive somehow, although I was nearly hit several times.” However, the skepticism does not end easily. I’ll spend the next hour or two walking in front of mirrors, trying to prove that I’m still alive and wasn’t killed by a moving vehicle. But I was honked at for being in a crosswalk while I had a walk signal because I was preventing someone in an Infiniti from turning right on red, presumably angry because he was trying to get to the Cheesecake Factory at Lenox Mall.

5. Try to Figure Out Which Peachtree Street is Which, and Wind Up in the Stupid Goddamn Turn-Lane Again, Now I’m On the Interstate Somehow, Fucking Shit Fuck

This could take a whole day! You have to combine this with activity 1, which means extra fun.

6. Get Drunk, Take Uber to That Big Ferris Wheel

Whoo-wee it’s big! Got dang

7. Get Blackout Drunk, Take an Uber to the World of Coke

Throw an adult tantrum when they tell you the polar bear isn’t there in real life. Wake up in jail.

8. Go to the Cheesecake Factory at Lenox Mall, Spend $120 to Get Drunk 

Why not. Fuck it! They also have a cupcake vending machine next to it.

9. Take MARTA From The Cheesecake Factory To The Airport

Now this… this is living. This journey is the definition of a seamless, sensory experience. Truly a modern masterpiece. Any way you slice it, these are definitely two places that MARTA actually goes!

I hope you enjoy these tips as much as I enjoyed writing them. Now go live large in Peachtown! xoxox

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